There are no coincidences in God’s vast universe. Things that happen to us many years ago take on significant meaning in the here and now. The significance can affect us in either a positive or a negative way. Tony Robbins speaks often about the story we tell ourselves. To make lasting change, you must first change your story.
I believe he learned this from God.
In God’s eyes, we either tell stories that bring us closer to Him or take us further away. Here is one of my stories, the original version that took me away from the Lord and the one I replaced it with.
My Smarts vs. His Smarts
Take the few times during my childhood where I would help him build something or just do some maintenance work around the house. I remember more than one occasion where after a couple less than powerful (or accurate) swings of the hammer, Dad would rip it from my hands and resume the task on his own. “Gimme that!” was his battle cry while my cry was deep inside. I would ask the questions over and over again…
“Why am I not good enough?”
“Why can’t he be more patient with me?”
“Can’t I have another chance?”
Dad Isn’t Perfect and Neither is His Son
When I reached my teen years and my senses were more developed, I noticed a number of things about my dad that were not entirely flattering. His pronounciations of words were a little rough. He didn’t speak very clearly and he acted like he was a parody of himself sometimes. As a teenager still licking his wounds, I pounced. Dad became the ultimate easy target.
I constantly criticized him for the way he spoke. I was on him for how he pronounced a number of different words. I was embarrassed to be around him. I simply stopped respecting him. I dressed him down while he was keeping the score of a baseball game I was coaching. A parent jumped up, came down to the bench and gave me a talking to. Wow…stunned silence. Me and everybody else.
Was I getting back at him for years earlier? Subconsciously – maybe. What I was really doing was carrying out the perfectionist streak built into my psyche from all the rejection I’d experienced in my younger years. To be accepted I had to do it right. No mistakes, no errors. If I won, I’d be respected. I wasn’t winning so Dad was the easy target because his inability to keep score was taking my attention away from coaching and that’s why we were losing.
Epic fail…
The Gift of Maturity
I’m so thankful to God that as I left my teen years and entered young adulthood the animosity between us went away. I matured enough to know I didn’t need to take shots at him to make myself feel better anymore. As my college years went on we’d actually enjoy racing radio controlled cars with each other during breaks. One of my fondest memories was a trip to Olympic Stadium in Montreal for an Expos game. Even though we got separated on the subway and had a few anxious moments, it was a great day.
I don’t know how I would have coped with having a wall still between us when he died in 2000. So many of us don’t get the chance to say, “I love you” one last time. So many of us have bitterness eating away at our insides when a loved one passes. Although I wish my Dad would have taken better of himself so he could have been here for my wedding and Jack’s adoption, I can say with full honesty that I accept how it ended. Now my challenge is clear.
I have a son and I do catch myself repeating the patterns of my father when I’m with him. There are times when I want to take something away from him and figure it out on my own. There are times when he takes something away from me and I’m instantly transported back to the emotions of my youth. God wants me to overcome what happened in the past and become a loving, nurturing example of patience. I know I’ll fall down from time to time, but I’m determined not to repeat the sins of the father with my amazing son.
Question: Have you found yourself repeating a negative pattern (either yours or a family member’s) from your youth in your adult life? I’d love to hear your story in the form of a comment below…