As I’ve become more self-aware over the past few years, one thing about my character has become abundantly clear. I beat myself up…a lot. My limbs aren’t black and blue from it, but my insides are scarred and I know my heart has suffered greatly. The devil constantly tries to make me believe I am born to pursue perfection and I must push, push, push myself to accept nothing less.
He knows I’ll never get there. He knows I’ll call myself names, pound my fists against walls, and lament over my failures. He knows I’ll fill my plate with busyness and believe that doing everything requested of me will satisfy me just enough on some human level. He fuels the fire with the unreasonable expectations of others which I then translate into unreasonable expectations of myself, mainly because I’ve become so accustomed to validating my self-worth based on the opinions of others.
Breaking the Spell
One of my mentors, Seth Czerepak, helped me to start seeing how validating myself through others, through meaningless achievements, and through the pursuit of the almighty dollar had led me into a world of low self-esteem, overextension, and a career that wasn’t an ideal fit for my God-given talents. I took his advice and started becoming aware of what was going on around me, what needs it was fulfilling and how I could take the emotions I was feeling and turn them in a different direction.
When I stepped up my game and starting peeling back the layers of the onion (thanks DT) the devil stepped up his game too. The devil is no dummy. He’s crafty, he’s persistent, and he doesn’t play by the rules. His goal is to win our souls at all costs. He doubled his attacks against me. He told me day after day I wasn’t good enough. He showed me significance, disguised as need. He made guilt rise up inside me with every decision. He still does – every single day.
How do I hold the devil at bay?
Well…I can’t. Not every day. I’m human and the fateful decisions of Adam and Eve have guaranteed that I’ll never be perfect. Getting to the point where I could accept that fact was a huge step for me. It’s ok that I make mistakes. In fact here are bunch of things about me that aren’t exactly how I want them but I accept them as part of the package…
- I have a short fuse
- I become obsessed with things quite easily
- I lash out when I feel no one is listening to me
- I procrastinate
- I have a hard time warming up to people
- I eat too much and of the wrong things
- When I do well, I get a little full of myself
- Sometimes I’m just not interested in what people have to say
- I take the many things I have in life for granted
- I don’t like to be criticized
I bet you just read that list and said one of the following things to yourself…
- “So what Todd, almost everybody has at least of few of those problems.”
- “Stop being so hard on yourself, your struggles are no different than anyone else’s.”
- “A good man can admit to his shortcomings… now how are you going to become a better man?”
(If you didn’t, just pretend…ok? Makes for a better post. Don’t worry, I won’t tell a soul.)
The devil doesn’t want me to accept these things about myself. His mission is to make sure I walk around believing I’m absolutely worthless as a human being because of my failures and my character flaws. If I believe that, I might just stop writing to all of you because, after all, who would read what someone who’s worthless has to say?
Devil…Time for You to Go!
Well Satan, I’ve got news for you. Although you may win a battle here and there, you have no hope of winning this war. I’ve got the ultimate Trojan Horse on my side. His shield is stronger than Captain America’s, His lightsaber is brighter and cuts deeper than any Luke Skywalker could build, and His stamina surpasses that of the greatest marathoner, triathlete, or fighter ever to walk the face of the earth.
When I feel you breathing down my neck, I call on The Holy Spirit to descend upon me, fill me with the power of the Lord, and cast you away – deep down into the depths of hell where you belong. Have a nice trip. See you next fall!
God bless,
Todd Marsha
Question: Have you struggled with trying to accept your limitations and beaten yourself up over your inability to be everything to everyone? I’d love to hear your story in the form of a comment below…