I remember sitting in front of my computer on a Saturday afternoon and checking out the websites of various churches in my area. I can even remember my frame of mind back then and the objections I created in my own mind about each church.
I visited Protestant after Protestant church website and the common theme with every one was how we were all sinners, unworthy of God’s grace yet he offers it to us because loves us as a father loves his children. Back in those days, that was the last thing I wanted to hear. I’m a sinner? I’m unworthy? No way man. Not me. I’m awesome and I’m outta here.
Interestingly enough, I liked what the Catholics had to say about sin and forgiveness. Yes, we were all sinners but through the sacrament of confession we are absolved of our sins. Wiping the slate clean. That works for me. Don’t get me wrong. The protestants talk about repentance and forgiveness as well but confession for them is less formal and doesn’t require a pastor’s presence.
Wow! I actually liked something about the Catholic Church back then. That was a big step for me. You see, the limited exposure I’d had to the church back then left a bad taste in my mouth. All these rituals seemed a bunch of robots doing what they were told to do, when they were told to do it. Stand up, sit down, kneel, make this sign, say these words. Where was the feeling, the passion, the emotion?
Not that I was turned on by more emotional forms of worship, mind you. I had an equally bad taste in my mouth about Jimmy Swaggart and Jerry Falwell. Snake oil salesman at best. And don’t even get me started on Benny Hinn.
God’s Perfect Timing at Work
My mini-discernment ended as quickly as it began. One or two weekends looking up information about churches had me more confused and uncertain than ever. I was still turned off by Catholicism but my soon to be wife was Catholic. Could she be convinced to try another denomination? No – that was a pipe dream at best. After all, when I met her she was sponsoring her best friend in RCIA. She was all in…and still is.
Why did God remind of that time, at that moment?
I won’t know for sure until I meet him one day but I believe he was proving a point to me about timing. Sometimes I wish things were moving much faster in many areas of my life. I wish I was moving toward a new career as a writer much faster. I wish my faith were deepening faster. I wish my body was getting healthier much faster. In the end, it’s not about how fast I want things to happen. It’s about God’s perfect timing and following His unique plan for me.
I have to trust in Him to reveal his plan for me a little bit at a time. In the meanwhile I need to keep taking small steps towards Him. Every day I sit and try to figure out how it’s all going to work rather than making a contribution towards my own growth or the discernment of someone else – I fail. I get further away from where God is leading me.
I hope this has helped you along your own journey.