The last few months have been filled with fear, doubt, uncertainty, and depression over the changes in my job title and duties. All things considered, I got a pretty good deal. I’ve not been financially impacted and I won’t be until the end of 2014. My new position allows me the freedom to set my own schedule and manage my own day. I’m also not cooped up in an office all day. So why have my knickers been in such a twist lately?
A harsh reality was percolating below the surface but I didn’t have the courage to admit it. I had treated my management career more as a status symbol than as an opportunity to help others grow, to drive results, or to build the company’s brand. I knew I’d lost sight of what leaders do, on a certain level. Instead of wanting to dive headlong into problems in order to find creative win-win solutions, I went to work each day hoping nothing would go wrong and dreading it when it did. That’s not the mark of a leader.
The last few months have been a gigantic reality check. God is making it perfectly clear that my talents need to be used in other ways. My selfish ego, on the other hand, has been kicking and screaming, unwilling to let go of what once was. Stubborn ego. Therein lies the conflict and it’s definitely taken its toll. I’ve been a shadow of my former self. I stopped exercising, stopped eating right, withdrew into frivolous activities, and moped around seemingly oblivious to life.
Strong Enough But Not Because of Me
Who knows where I’d be if not for my brothers on Holy Trinity’s #Christ Renews His Parish mission team. When I’m with them, the #Holy Spirit does good work in all of us. When I’m away from them, sometimes it seems like a neverending prayer isn’t enough. Thank God for my family too. Jennifer has been wonderful. She’s still struggling with the loss of her mother but she’s there for me when I need her.
I heard “Strong Enough” by Matthew West in the car today and it was like the Holy Spirit telling me exactly what I needed to write about. My biggest regret during this time is that I didn’t offer up my suffering to #Jesus on the cross and let him do his amazing work of healing. I pushed him away and sulked when I should have drawn closer in prayer and study of scripture. Forgive me Lord for not allowing you in. I’ve known all along the only way I can get through is with You but my selfish pride got in the way.
You were testing me the whole time. I failed but I won’t make the same mistake twice. Now I understand, because of the song below, why life’s trials and tribulations must come and must be dealt with – through You. I am strong enough through Your work in me.
P.S. It’s September 2015 now and things are much better. I’m learning to embrace a more unique role I’ve accepted at work. The depression has passed and I’m working on bringing Jesus to work with me each day. I’m also working on the future, one day at a time.