An excerpt from ‘Simple Steps to a Stronger Marriage’ by Dr. Ray Guarendi
The secret of a good marriage (sounds like a pop magazine cover!) is that there are no secrets; only good sense, simple practices. How to better treat someone is not nuclear particle physics; it’s more like learning the multiplication tables. You did learn them? In marriage, the easier part is knowing what to do. The harder part is doing what you know.
Say I’m sorry. So have countless parents coached countless kids for countless generations. Watching my own children push out a semi-audible “sorry” has convinced me it’s more often aimed at the floor than at any nearby human. The reluctance behind “I’m sorry” starts young.
“When was the last time you apologized?” I ask spouses.
“I think it was on our first date.”
“Sometime before our first son was born. He’s in college now.”
“When did Halley’s Comet last pass?”
You needn’t be a shrink to analyze that apologizing is about as appealing as a root canal. Good guidance for preschoolers is good guidance for grown-ups: Say “I’m sorry.” Without mumbling. Without talking to the floor. Without full feeling, if necessary.
“I don’t think I have anything to apologize for. I didn’t start the trouble.” Assuming you’re not Mother Teresa or St. Francis, you probably did a little bit wrong.
If so, apologize for your little bit, even if you were provoked, even if you were hurt, even if your portion of blame is under 5%, as measured by a panel of 100 objective judges and not yourself.
The point is not, “Do I have a reason for what I said or did?” You very well may. The point is, “Do I have anything whatsoever to apologize for?”
Personal Apology Percentage (PAP). How wrong must you be — or think you are — before apologizing? What percentage of blame will prompt an “I’m sorry for …?”
For most of us, the cut-off number is 50%. If I believe I’m more than half wrong, I’ll admit it. Anything less — 32% or 21% or 3.26% — and I’ll just wait until my spouse acknowledges their percentage, which in my eyes is higher than mine.
A seldom-say-sorry spouse can be exasperating. Getting them to mouth the words is like pulling their teeth. Relationship Law 101: To nudge another to act better, act better yourself. Want compliments? Give them. Want to be liked? Be likable. Want to hear “sorry?” Say “sorry.”
Sorry to have to say this, but giving more sorrys is no guarantee of getting more. Still, you could hear more than you’re hearing now.
I’m sorry. Two simple words with major benefits.
